


Someday Our Children Will Make Our Mistakes

by Trekkele



Series: Trek Fest 2018 [2]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Amanda Grayson Lives, Brother-Sister Relationships, Bullies, Father-Son Relationship, Gen, first things first, i will give my boys happy (ish) endings if i have too fight nero in a walmart parking lot, nero - Freeform, oh yeah, ok now that the important stuff is out of the way, or at least he tried, pet death (hinted at? implied? non-graphic), sarek was a good dad, so a lot misunderstandings, so teasing, vulcan high command can shove their prejudice where the sun dont shine, we cant all die while our sons are born and be hailed heros
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2018-06-13
Packaged: 2019-05-21 21:34:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14923242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trekkele/pseuds/Trekkele
Summary: Spock believes it is better to be a disappointment than a failure.Sarek has never believed he is either of these things.It is hard, raising something you are not. They try.Or - five times Spock thought Sarek was disappointed in him and one time he knew he'd never been.





	Someday Our Children Will Make Our Mistakes

**Author's Note:**

> I like Sarek, he's a bit of a bad-ass. And idk, I've never gotten those "I'm a terrible father and I don't even try" vibes off of him, mostly the opposite actually. Also this is the guy who marries a human, adopts a human, and chooses to have a half-human son. You don't do those things if you're not a little willing to deal with humans as they are. I think a lot of the he must've been a terrib;e father comes from the generation gap between TOS and now, not to mention the actual age gap between Sarek and Spock. I recently had to explain shady and salty to my Dad. (It was as hilarious as it sounds) And the gap there is much smaller, so it's kind of like a baby boomer trying to relate their genX kid. It happens, but with a lot of misunderstandings. I'll shut up now.  
> I just want these emotionally stunted sassy boys to be happy. All of them.  
> (That's it, that's the franchise. "Sassy Boys on Starships", coming to a theater near you)

1.

Spock was aware of what death meant.

Death was when bodily functions necessary for further life failed.

Death was when the body failed and a Vulcans katra joined it's ancestors in the arc.

It was illogical to mourn the passing of a creature with no katra. It was _illogical._

Spock did not feel very logical at the moment.

 

I-Chaya was lying in her bed, belly bared up to the vulcan sun. It was the only indication that something was wrong.

Sehlat’s do not sleep with their bellies exposed. Of course, most sehlat’s have not recently fought a le-matya to the death because of their masters idiocy and his foolish decision to hike through the desert despite their mothers warnings.

If regret were not illogical Spock would be feeling an exorbitant amount.

 

His mother was speaking with the healer she had called, low voices humming over the sound of I-Chaya steady, if laboured breathing. His father had taken one look at Spock’s face and come to sit beside him. No doubt he wished to remind Spock that such blatant expressions of grief are unbecoming of the scion of the house of S’chn T’gai.

However he has yet to say anything.

 

Spock fidgeted, the tiny sand scratches on his fingers stinging less than his father’s silence. Sarek was so disappointed in him he could not even speak.

 

“I-Chaya did well.“ His voice was smoother, no longer rough from the frantic shouting he had devolved to when the le-matya first struck. “The le-matya is dead.”

Spock was inordinately proud of how his pet had responded to the young Vulcans distress. Like a warrior from before Surak’s teachings, she had struck with a ferocious intensity that unmatched by the le-matyas fangs. Despite being domesticated and unused to such violence, she had done well.

“The venom has gone too deep. She will die in days, slowly. “

 

Sarek has still not spoken.

 

“We can end her suffering peacefully. Now.”

 

“What will you do?” His father’s voice betrayed nothing. As usual.

 

“I do not want her to go.” he could not do more than whisper, ashamed at the pure selfishness of wanting to prolong a creatures suffering for his own comfort

 

Sarek clears his throat. “Empathy can be a commendable trait. Sometimes we must make decisions because they are correct. Not because they are pleasurable for us.

It is good that you understand this. “

 

They bury I-chayas ashes under the sketia tree in the front courtyard.

 

——

2.

Spock knows Sarek is disappointed. His teachers have made that abundantly clear.

 

Why the other children would not be considered a disappointment to the tenets of Surak is irrelevant, because Spock understands how this works. He is far easier to blame. It is logical, to go after the _other_ , that which doesn't belong. Like him. Like his mother.

 

He wishes, sometimes,when his mind is unquiet and he has not had time to meditate properly, that Sarek where not Vulcan, so that at least he would understand what Spock was...feeling.

The illogic of these habits lend credence to his tormentors words.

 

“I presume you've prepared new insults for today.”

In truth, they never had. Logic did not lend itself to originality, not in all fields, and until today, hs schoolmates had never realized that simply informing him of all these faults, that he was very much aware of, would not cause him to lose control. It could not, as he had spent to much time reviewing these faults on his own.

He should have known, however, that they would approach the problem from a new direction and figure it out eventually.

Vulcan intelligence is superior to that of a human, after all.

He had expected the physical attacks. Eventually, even a superior being must grow frustrated and attempt a base attack, when all else fails.

He was expecting attacks on his humanity, on his “other”, on the fact that “clearly, the academy has lowered its standards for you, as you are at the highest class ranking.”

To accuse him of cheating would be illogical. But that was the closest they had ever gotten.

He never expected an attack on a respected member of the house of S’chn T’gai. Of an attack on his _mother_.

After all, Lady Amanda had passed the VSA exam. She had studied Ancient Vulcan Linguistics, has been consulted by the greatest minds on her discoveries. She was a diplomat, a genius, a beloved teacher at multiple universities.

It would be illogical to deny her intelligence.

 

Xenophobia is a strange word to Vulcans. Strange, because while they understand what it means, while they understand what it accuses them of, they do not seem to understand how they could possibly be guilty of it.

Spock would find their backwards logic amusing, if it wasn't the reason Stonn kept pushing him. If it wasn’t the reason there was blood dripping from his knuckles.

Amanda finds it hilarious, and takes a particularly deep joy out of tripping up her colleagues when they prove themselves hopelessly biased.

Sarek.. Sarek displays what Spock could only define as _anger_ , if only the coldest, most brief manifestation of it.

 

He knew what a whore was. It was simply a word. Vulcans do not fear words.

 

(Oh really, darling? What about _Love_? Amanda would break into peals of laughter at the non-expressions on her dear Vulcans faces)

 

But he also knew that children, children do not have biases. A bias is born from past experiences, from interactions, and these ...children, these spoiled brats who have never had to work twice as hard and twice as long because simply being good would never prove anything to anyone, these boys, had never met his mother.

They had never seen her sing as she cooked, or laugh at an old earth film, or tell stories by lamp light, of old gods and heroes and _here be dragons, spock!,_ waving her arms to emphasis how big the world could be.

Someone else was speaking of his mother like that, and all these boys were doing was repeating it to him.

His anger should scare him. But the look of shock on their faces brought him too much pleasure.

  


His knuckles hurt.

 

He’d never punched someone like that. Not really, only in practice, and it had always been with gloves or wrappings bound tightly. He found that while punching someone gave an instant release to the deep, echoing anger he had felt, the amount of stones weighing heavily in his stomach now balanced it out nicely. The reward was too short to justify using his fists again.

 

“Emotions run deep within our race.”

 

Not deep enough, Spock thought, more bitter than he cared to admit. If they can stomach insulting an innocent woman simply to anger her son.

 

And not deep enough, if you can stomach such an insult yourself.

 

“Marrying your mother was logical.”

Spock wondered if Sarek knew how he looked at Amanda when no one was home. If he thought Spock was fool enough to miss the softening of his eyes and the quirking of his lips which not even another Vulcan would notice, that Spock only noticed because he was looking for it. Perhaps he had imagined it, born out of the storm cloud fear that Amanda was nothing more than a tool to him, that his father was only using her status and species to secure his own future.

 

“They called mother a whore”

He didn’t imagine it. The stiffening of Sarek’s shoulders, the way his deep set eyes flickered like the sun in the forge.

 

“Spock. You are fully capable of deciding your own destiny. The only question is which path will you choose.

Do not base your decision on what others say or think. This is something which only you can decide.”

 

He wonders what would happen if he chose to be fully human. If he decides his destiny lay with his mother’s people, wholly. But he was a Vulcan. He would be a Vulcan, if only to prove that he could.

“Now come. Amanda is waiting for us”

 

\-----

3.

“As always whatever you choose to be you will have a proud mother”

 

He does not dare ask what of a father. He does not believe he wishes for a true answer to that.

 

He never questioned why his bullies had suddenly transferred to another segment of the learning pods. Clearly it was for their protection against this irrational half human. He does not question why Sarek suddenly takes more of an interest in his slearning. He suspects it is so he knows what his half human child is insufficient in, so that he can fix it. Spock does not give him the satisfaction.

He does not ask his father about StarFleet. He asks Amanda, who studied there, and Michael, and the few dozen other cadets he knows from his travels and independent studies. He does not wish to disappoint his father again.

 

But it seems he is designed to be a disappointment.

Better that than a failure.

 

“Despite your disadvantage.”

 

He hears bells ringing. He is uncertain whether they are truly there, or simply the echoing of his mind, warning him against doing something rash, something impulsive. Something human.

 

“Despite your disadvantage.”

 

The vulcan part of him, the part he has cultivated and grown, and allowed free reign over his mind and actions all these years whispers, _let it go._ The human half, that which he has ignored and neglected, hoping it would fade over time, rages against the confines of his carefully constructed walls.

Because he has never been good enough. Because he has sliced himself in pieces trying to prove he is something he is not, _and it has never been good enough._

 

“Despite your disadvantage.”

 

“To what disadvantage are you referring.”

 

_Dont, dont, dont_

 

“...your human mother”

 

After several years, it seems his pressure points are still the same. And it seems vulcans dismissal of those they believe inferior will still be their downfall. For once, his human and vulcan halves are in perfect agreement, and his mind begins ringing along with the bells. He sees Sarek out of the corner of his eyes, sees his father's face, and for the first time in very long time he makes a split second decision that he will later refuse to regret.

 

His mother is not a liability. One half of his heritage is not a shameful secret he must hide. It is simply a pity no one else here see it.

It is a pity he has spent so long believing it.

 

He does not know why Sarek chooses to speak. He does not ask him, not for a very long time.

He does know that his words set off a string of reactions in which he, against all odds, appears to be the rational one.

 

As he leaves the council chamber, he allows himself to believe that Sareks lips had quirked into the briefest of smiles.

 

\----

4.

Of course, Sarek and Amanda travel to his graduation. He has graduated with full honors, in the expected four years, and has been assigned to serve under Captain Christopher Pike, who requested him for his expertise directly. It would be unseemly for the house not to acknowledge his success.

 

Michael will be there. She and Amanda have apparently been chatting about him.

In his experience that never ends well.

 

According to Amanda, Sarek would not miss this. According to Amanda, he has spent the last 3.2 months injecting his second sons name into every conversation he logically can, subtly reminding his colleague that they willingly alienated one of the greatest minds of this generation. According to Amanda, he is proud.

 

Spock is not sure he believes this. Michael tells him to just accept their mothers stories and move on.

 

“He loves you more than he cares to admit. However much you Vulcans believe in love.” She is teasing him, hoping to distract him. As usual, she succeeds, if only briefly.

 

“I am only half Vulcan Michael, and can therefore experience love as much as any other human. Should I choose too”

 

Michael swings her chair around to face the comm screen once more “Oh, is that so little brother? Is there someone me and Amanda need to meet?”

 

She laughs at what is definitely not his sputtering in surprise and moves the conversation back to her captain and the chief engineer. Apparently Lieutenant Commander Kirk and Captain Georgiou believe in the most ridiculously unlikely solutions. He wonders if Michael is lying to distract him. It would not be the first time.

Speculation is useless, as Michael has always been able to trick him uncommonly well.

 

\-----

Two years of traveling through space under Captain Pike, and Spock believes that every single story Michael ever told him was true. Even the one with the sentient perfume clouds that tried to abduct her.

 

Captain Pike has insisted on giving him a recommendation letter, the same one he has offered to all his crew, despite the fact that Spock has already accepted a professorship at the academy.

He will be teaching two linguistics courses, one in computer sciences, and one in science: “The Classification of New Life-forms, and the Creations of New Classifications.” He has no doubt the cadets will have some ridiculous nickname for it by the second week.

 

He had, of course, received offers from other captains. But he had found, in his experiences “up in the black“, that he did not wish to serve under anyone else.

He had served three full semesters on different starships, which was the maximum the academy offered, but of the four captains he had served with, Captain Pike was the most…he believed the term was forgiving, but of _what,_ he was uncertain.

Of his Vulcan logic? Of his lack of emotional knowledge? Of his blunt manner of reports? He was uncertain of what he needed to be forgiven for, only that whatever it was, he had it.

He wished to serve with Captain Pike. He did not believe he needed logic to justify his decisions, not when the man’s record spoke for itself.

 

Michael had understood. He had no doubt his mother would.

 

Unfortunately, Sarek was the one who answered his comm call.

 

The silence was suddenly unbearable, and he wondered if this is what the Vulcan heat felt like to Amanda.

 

“Father”

 

“Spock”

 

“I have accepted a teaching position at the academy, until such a time that the new flagship will be ready”

 

Sarek did not look surprised. Than again, Vulcans never look surprised.

 

“Captain Pike will be receiving the new flagship, I assume. He is a good captain. A clever man”

 

Spock, however, being only half Vulcan, betrayed the slightest sense of surprise. “You know my captain?”

 

“I have met Christopher Pike. Did you receive any other offers to serve ship-side?”

 

“Of course. I wish to serve under Pike”

 

Had he not been so surprised his answer may have been more eloquent. It was not illogical to assume that Sarek knew Captain Pike. One was a ambassador to earth, the other a decorated StarFleet captain. They had surely crossed paths before.

 

“Your mother has been a teacher for many years. It is a noble profession.”

 

Spock blinked, having no doubt that his face conveyed an unseemly amount of surprise. Vulcans do not believe in platitudes, nor do they believe in false approval.

 

“I believe your mother is available now. Live long and prosper, my son”

 

\----

5.

“Father”

 

“Spock”

 

“How did you know?”

 

“I did not know many things. I have learnt much in my years, however.

Such vague questions are similar to ones your mother and sister have posed. Vulcan philosophers have called them _thought branches which lead nowhere_.”

 

“You chose to marry mother, despite the … incompatibility inherent in such a match. Why would you pursue her? Why did you believe she would welcome your advances?”

 

“I believe you are aware that I did not choose your mother as much as she chose me. I simply never rejected the idea.”

 

“So you allowed Mother to choose whether such a match would work?”

 

“I made the first step. I allowed your mother nothing, she was intelligent enough to take it, _if_ she wanted it. You must understand that Spock, if you choose to pursue a human woman. You do not _allow_ them anything. They are very much their own.”

 

“...I did not say there was a human woman.”

 

“The men are very much the same in that respect, Spock.”

 

“….”

 

“...I did not say there was _anyone_.”

 

“Of course not. I will wait to tell your mother, of course. Should you choose to tell her yourself, i suggest calling at a more reasonable hour.”

 

“ _There is no one_ Father, I simply called to…inquire. You are the one who brought mother into the conversation”

 

“Yes, how logical. One always calls at close to midnight regarding philosophical queries about their parents marriage. I should not have assumed anything.”

 

“…..Goodnight Father.”

 

“Goodnight Spock. I am sure they must be very intelligent, to have caught a professors eye.”

 

_“Goodnight.”_

 

_\----_

And 1.

“I was right. She is remarkable”

 

Spock did not look up from the readings at his mother’s bedside. She was stable, but in a coma. The shock of falling such a great distance and subsequently being thrown, violently, onto the transporter pad had caused much internal damage.

Years of living on a planet not made for human anatomy had not helped her health.

But even so, for a human, the Doctor assured him it was nothing to worry about. She would wake, eventually, and all would be well. An inadequate turn of phrase, given the circumstances.

 

Spock's mind was currently in tatters, the ever present echo of his entire race, simply gone. His mind had never felt so alone.

But what truly destroyed his control,  the brilliant threads of his familial bonds that lay bereft as well. A human in a coma does not have the same mental activity as a Vulcan. Their minds are closed, and only direct contact would allow him to feel that her katra still breathed. If he stepped away, he would not know if she was sleeping or breathing or dying.

 

So he kept his eyes on the instruments that measured her heart and her mind and her health and _hoped_ that all would be well.

 

Except he had attacked his first officer (Captain now, his thought reminded,) on the bridge and shown a truly disgusting lack of control, allowing Kirks emotions to run rampant around his own, hands circling the boy’s throat, transfering _hate_ , and _anger_ , and _gone gone all of them ARE GONE_ , and receiving _panic_ and _follow the plan_ , in return, and the knowledge that this cadet new how it felt to to be strangled, knew how this felt, knew this _I want you dead_ with an intimacy that drove tsunami like ripples through his sand-storm greif.

 

The shock of that knowledge brought him back to his senses. That, and the admonishments from his father.

He does not doubt he could have killed him.

 

“I fail to see how mothers intelligence is of consequence right now.”

 

Sarek raised a single brow. He knew Spock was purposely misunderstanding him. Spock found he did not care.

 

“I was not referring to Amanda”

 

“It is of no consequence now. I have failed.”

 

“Have you? “

 

Spock turned, finally, to face his father. “I joined StarFleet, despite you protests. And despite that, I have failed to save our planet, or our people, and have attacked a fellow officer with little to no provocation.”

That is not strictly true. But insults have ever been a cause to try and kill a man.

Sarek was staring at Amanda, his face unbearably soft. Spock doubted anyone else would notice that, but to him it was clear.

 

“You asked me once, Spock. Why I married her.”

 

“You told me it seemed logical at the time”

 

“Yes,”Sarek looked up from Amanda, and his eyes did not change as they fell on Spocks. “It was logical , because I loved her. It would be illogical to deny it, and as such, I did not.

 

And it would be illogical to expect her to be something _she_ was not. I did not wish for a vulcan wife. If I did, I would have married one. As I did not wish for a Vulcan son, as I did not have one.”

 

Sarek paused, lips quirking with what might be amusement. “Well, I do have _one_.”

 

Spock stayed stiff by Amanda’s side, hands clenched behind his back. He did not understand what his father was saying. He did not understand the relevance of this topic.

 

“I am proud of you. I have always been. And I am proud of what you have accomplished.

Now go. Your Captain needs you, no doubt.”

 

Spock did an abrupt turn from his mother's side, striding out of the chaos of medbay without a thought. There would be time to examine his father's words later. There would be time to re-examine his memories, to absorb the truth behind them, _later_.

Right now, he could still save one of his homeworlds. Right now, he could afford the assumption that he would continue to bring his parents pride.

**Author's Note:**

> yes, Amanda Grayson wakes up from her coma. I'm emptying the freezer so I can shove JJ in it. See how he likes it.
> 
> The reason this is shorter than Jim's is because Spock's an efficient bitch and refused to say more. And that's after I gave him chocolate.  
> 5\. may seem ooc, but may I remind you about T'Pol, sass master sub commander? Sass is not an emotion. Even full Vulcans use it.
> 
> I whine a lot on my tumblr, under the same name. Come say hi, sometimes I'm funny.


End file.
